Everything in its season...no, seriously, MOVE, now!

"Indeed if a seed is not allowed to germinate (sprout) within some certain length of time, the embryo inside will die. Each species of seed has a certain length of viability. Many temperate zone species that use inhibitors use abscisic acid. This chemical induces dormancy in the embryo. The chemical is produced in abundance in the late summer and early fall. The seeds in the fruits become dormant so, even if they are dispersed in autumn, they cannot sprout. During the winter enzymes in the seeds degrade the abscisic acid. By spring the abscisic acid is gone and the seed can sprout." Ross Koning (random botanist sounding guy)

I'm betting the above information is just not that interesting to a good portion of the population--plant enthusiasts, old ladies with big sun hats, green cloth gloves, and plastic knock off CROCS, and ecclectic, science types (me, smile) might be included in the small group of people who care about when a seed can turn into a scrawny green buds.

Something otherworldly happens to me in my garden. I get these spiritual and mental epiphanies while I'm working the soil and tending plants. I'll be in complete solitude and silence and clear life lessons and mini sermons will come to my mind. In the most recent experience, I was frustrated by the small yield of my jalapeno plant. I decided I would just up and plant more seeds...but then it occurred to me, "THE SEASON HAS PASSED. THE WINDOW FOR REAL GERMINATION HAS CLOSED." And then the revelation came...we have seasons for a reason. I felt so compelled to value YOUTH--the spring of life. I started to think about how so many young men are wasting their seed germination time getting high, on corners, estranged from elders who would otherwise be teaching them skills, GERMINATING AND CULTIVATING the multitude of skills that would later be demanded of them to lead their own businesses, endeavors, families, children. I thought about young women losing time chasing love, studying videos on how to become sex vixens, losing valuable time with elders who would otherwise be teaching them skills, GERMINATING AND CULTIVATING the mulitude of skills that would later be demanded of them to lead their own businesses, endeavors, families, children. Because the reality is this: ONCE YOU HIT THE SUMMER AND FALL OF LIFE, THINGS ARE BUSIER, MORE COMPLICATED, AND THERE'S JUST NOT THE SAME TIME TO GERMINATE. The summer and fall of life are the times when we should be EXPLODING WITH DELICIOUS FRUIT of our labor! We should be creating, expanding, providing, developing....but if the germination time was lost and ruined, what will we cultivate when harvest time comes?

The same is true of love. There are windows.

This is not to say that if we blow our "spring" or we are ROBBED of our "spring" (due to the negligence, abandonment, abuse of the adults who are our caretakers--biological, spiritual, political), all is lost, whoa is us! I am one who believes that TIME CAN BE REDEEMED!!! Yes, Laawwwwd...but the redemption has to be swift and very intentional and decided. No more time can be wasted.

So, if you are in the spring of your life, get all you can. Love all you can. If you are in the summer and fall, produce all you can, or go back and quickly redeem that which was lost.

Independence (from bitterness) Day! aka ODE TO THE EXES

This year, my full birth date is 111111. Yup, I was born on November 11th, which means, according to the old horoscope calendar, I'm a Scorpio. Scorpios are described as having powerful personalities, being sexually alluring, successful, and YUP, VENGEFUL AND GRUDGE HOLDING. I'm not one who governs my life by horoscopes; I think character trumps it. I mean, it would really be horrible to be internally "scripted" to be vengeful and grudge holding. Or maybe it was Mom's drilling: "Jesus said, 'If you do not forgive your brother, your Heavently Father will not forgive you' "As human beings, we are so unbelievably complicated and emotionally motivated, and as a result, SO SUSCEPTIBLE TO PAIN AND EMOTIONAL HURT. People will hurt you; it's inevitable. Even the healthiest, most loving, most selfless people in your life will hurt you at least by omission.

So, no, I don't hold grudges. I am sensitive and feel deeply, love hard, and love loyally. So, I've been hurt and disappointed. I've been thinking about bitterness a lot--there are all kinds of books coming out for women--perhaps in response to our cultural norms of dating, marriage, and divorce. One book was subtitled, "Because bitterness is not sexy". It's true. Bitterness exudes from a person's face pores. You just can't hide bitterness. It makes you age, it makes you less attractive, and it's a repellant to love. People who could potentially love you are pushed away by bitterness.

I'm not glib about emotional pain caused by others. I'm not casual about relationships beginning and ending, and I don't shrug at the loss of a relationship. I work REALLY hard to maintain relationships and never to lose any, but inspite of efforts, there have been a couple of people with whom I have not been able to maintain the same level of closeness that we shared before.

I bought a fashion magazine the other day (hey, I'm on vacation!), and I read something that Eva Longoria said in an article. It's hard to miss tabloid news as it's shoved down our throats; so if you remember her situation, her husband cheated, and consequently, they were divorced. This was her second divorce, and she's only 35. She said, and I'm paraphrasing, "You learn not to be bitter. You learn to celebrate what you learned and the love you had."

I still think our society is not as honest as we should be about the damage of divorce or rampant dating and "breaking up", but I did appreciate the heart of her comment. Instead of focusing on how a person hurt you, failed you, disappointed you, why not cherish what you learned and shared in the relationship. Now, I'm not saying we absolve where there should be no absolution, or that we should not have boundaries for people who disrespect us or damage us emotionally, nor that we should just "forgive and forget" (which is physiologically impossible by the way). In some cases, we do have to really just cut people out of our lives because they are toxic. But even with those people, there is something to celebrate. Some way we've grown. Some way we see differently. Some way the experience prepared us for the wonderful man we meet and marry. The woman who makes you want to forget all of the others...

So, let this entry be the public ODE TO THE EXES (ex friends, ex boyfriends/girlfrieds, ex spouses)--a PUBLIC JOURNAL TO CELEBRATE HOW WE'VE GROWN FROM "EXES". How did you grow or learn from your lost relationship? What skills did you gain? What new things did you discover?

"Little" things keeping us from love (of self and others)

I'm laying in Granny's bed with a half dozen posts in my head. This one in particular is cause of my 2.5 month blogging hiatus. The idea seems complicated to translate to others. This idea--more of a HUGE UNIVERSAL TRUTH (at least in my head)--has taken about two decades to take shape,and honestly it's more like a theory that I want to subject to a scientific peer review. That's how much conviction I have about it.

It's the idea that choices and exposures, whether passive or aggressive, that we shrug off as "insignificant" or as "not a big deals", actually have the power to change our character and quality of life and potential to fully and freely love--to love platonically, romantically, and in every other way. I intitially have examined choices or exposures that could be seen as negative (premature, inappropriate, harmful, etc), and their impact upon our dispositions. I think about a number of my own students who I met as freshmen. That group of students who had started their rookie year as bright eyed, curious, respectful, happy, engaged, were suddenly, and for the time being, permanently, sullen, rude (or nasty), "bored with school", incorrigible with parents and other adults. This was not the normal hormonal temporary episodes of teenage melodrama or a shift in personality due to TITANIC losses such as death of a family member or homelessness or victimization of violence. When I would inquire about these subtle and gradual changes, other students or family members would say things like, "Oh, he started hanging with 'so and so'" or "She's sleeping with 'so and so' who's also sleeping with her ex best friend". This high school gossip took me clearly back to my junior or senior year in high school. I remember a boy telling me, "You smile too much. You need to have sex."

WHOA. Smiling = happiness and innocence to him. So, he was telling me to have sex to "numb" that innocence out of me? Scary.

This entry is not about sex. It does, however, make me think of choices, when in the wrong context, and wrong time, and when just the "WRONG CHOICE", can really rob our souls of authentic happiness, innocence, and goodness--can numb us. In the example above, sex is often seen as a "little" thing to teens that is not a big deal as long as condoms are involved. But in actuality, it's often a decision, when made through pressure or coersion and without counsel and discussion with elders, that numbs and hardens young people (and adults too--let's keep it real).

Sex at the wrong time and with the wrong person/people is not the only soul spotter. Insatiable desires for power, money, envy, bigotry, jealousy--in forms that can be easily shrugged off as "little" or "insignificant" also damage us and our ability to love others. You ever know someone who just couldn't stand you? Hated you? But if asked why, they couldn't articulate why, or created some bogus reason that made you want to just stick a pacifier in his mouth? He/she allowed a little bigotry or jealousy or envy or unforgiveness in--an "inocuous" amount--that tainted their treatment of you. But what we don't realize is that when we allow for those negative things to be in us, we begin to radiate negative energy (as hardness, callousness, mean spiritedness) even when we don't intention to!

Any time we are used or use others for power, sex, recreation, money, control, influence, etc, our souls become more spotted, and sometimes, we become less human.

Old cantankerous people don't get that way overnight. As my sister was reminding my niece today, children start as innocent and radiating love and faith, but the grime of the world begins to stick on our hearts. Some things happen to us, and we have no control over those things. We, do, however, have control over how we respond. The "little" things that we tolerate have huge dividends in our souls--when those "little" compromises or poor choices are not addressed, they take a toll on our ability to love ourselves, others, and God.

Eat, Pray, Love for the less privileged

I have this title and entry in mind. It's something about how things, though they may seem ugly and crippling, work through to a glorious end--just like for Julia Roberts in the movie. You know? The one in which she plays the successful journalist who escapes to another continent and rides her pain away on the backs of elephants?

Hmm. I think about my friends. Ha! We aint riding no elephants any time soon! I know a couple of them who are in foreclosure. A few who are trying to figure out how to pay school loans and rent or a mortgage while not making enough or having too many furlough days. Yeah, I'm still driving my 97 Subaru, so yeah, we're not privileged in the same way...but doesn't mean the principles can't work.

I want to write, but I am blocked. I am blocked by complication, blocked by pain, blocked by anger. I am laying on my chaise (Fanny's favorite) at 3:30 in the morning. It's pouring rain, which is soothing to me--distant sirens remind me of city life I've always known. I'm curled up under a furry blanket, listening to Chico (my pug) snore--at least one of us is sleeping well tonight. I've been up for hours now. Good girlfriends were over, and we watched a "chick flick", which ended well for the love story. But though the protagonists had a beautiful ending, we all felt a little sick and sad.

We all wonder if someone will really love us like that--love us through the ugly days, love us through pain, keep our secrets, even be there through illness. I think we were all accutely aware of how much we HAVEN'T been loved by some of the men who have been in our lives.

Is a beautiful ending really in store for us? Will things really work out for us? Fear is crushing my heart right now, and my eyes are welling with tears...just welling though, not sobbing. This is good. I hide my tears from my dog like my mom tried to hide her tears from me--like this dog is a child. But dogs are so intuitive and sensitive to us. He'd wake up and come put his paw on me and breathe his smelly breath on me and sneeze in my face. Just don't need that right now.

Life is complicated, and to be a good one, it certainly does not have to be characterized by the presence of romantic love or a husband, wife, partner...whatever they're calling it these days (though MOST people would define a happy life as one with a partner). A full life is something like that which was portrayed in the book and movie (you know the Eat, Pray one). A full life is openness to belly laughs, learning from all kinds of people, being free of the emotional pain and drama of broken relationships (reconciling and making your "wrongs, rights"--this takes a lot of courage and a lot of humility), feeling loved and accepted, enjoying a cup of coffee or glass of wine with your mom and grandmother, loving your career, being connected to your community--the young and old, purposeful living.

I thought I was blocked, but writing in these wee hours, with wet eyes, is giving me some liberty and consolation. Sometimes, we look up and we don't have the life we wanted. My friends were over today are all in our 30s and CHILDLESS. Maybe you don't have the children you thought you would. Hell, maybe you have the children you thought you didn't want (woops!!! and maybe with the "wrong" person! woops!!), but in the end, what if we were all grateful for each day--whether we don't have babies or a parnter, or,have "baby mommas", "baby daddies". What if we didn't dwell on our broken promises, broken hearts, broken relationships, but INTENTIONALLY LEARNED FROM THEM, instead of running and avoiding, make ammends and move forward with new conviction to live life every day as if Jesus himself was depending upon you to make that Kingdom come--of love and justice--in our personal lives, communal lives, with our sons, daughters, those who have graciously and generously given and accepted our love.

What if we just started anew today...to eat, pray, and love. What if we savored, thought, pondered more? What if we stopped numbing ourselves with entertainment and other ways to "escape" reality? What if we started hoping and believing for the impossible in all areas of life? I know. I know. This is so hard because at the end of the day (haha..sound like my guy K), we still have responsibilities that keep us up at night and suck our energy. What if we found "Eat, Pray, Love" accountability partners? People who encouraged us to live for liberation and laughter and full, courageous, intentional lives...

Move on like a UHaul--the most painful thing.

Today, I am re-picturing a beautiful late summer afternoon at 31st street beach. N and I were talking about heartache and brokenness as we speed walked on the pavement just passed the Field House and toward the monument for fallen firemen.

I told her that part of me was afraid to STOP HURTING. I have only loved one person, and that person damaged my heart. Well, I've only loved one person who had the courage to tell me he loved me back and actually made a move on it. I loved someone else who played an interesting "c'mon, guess that I like you" game with me (Nothing came of that). I told her that the pain I felt almost suspended his memory and kept part of him with me. When I asked if something about that was weird and dysfunctional, she told me that she was actually reading a book in which the psychologist described the phenomenon of "nursing and guarding the pain" as a mechanism to still hold onto the person who has left your life or betrayed you or abused you, etc.

I understand why a person wants to cling to that last bit of pain now. When it vanishes, that person is gone. You think about them less. You don't wonder what he or she is doing. You don't care who they spend their time with. YOu don't wonder who they hug or see movies with or share dinners with. They seep out of your frontal lobe and amygdala very slowly and gradually, and then suddenly, "Poof! They're gone".

I never thought I'd see that day of fully "moving on". Partially, because I don't believe in "moving on". I will NEVER embrace our culture of "loving and leaving", rampant and careless coupling and uncoupling, divorcing because...well, just because. This doesn't mean that these things won't ever happen to me. Two of my favorite people have been divorced within the last few years--two of the most loyal and beautiful people you'd ever meet. They also rebel against this culture of casual coupling. They are commitmentphiles, but things happen to people that are beyond their control.

Back to my main point, "moving on". It's so sad. It leaves you wondering, "Then, what was that? What did I really feel? What did we really have?" Or maybe "moving on" is just amazing DIVINE GRACE to be open and ready for someone who wants to mutually and reciprically love.

To my sistergirls who are in that process of "moving on"--hold on, be ready, it'll come, you'll heal, and then you'll wonder how that person who didn't value your heart ever had your heart.

It ain't just hard out here for pimps

This is a picture of two bueyes connected by a yoke. I didn't fully understand the verse, "Don't be unevenly yoked" until I saw this image in Costa Rica. The idea, hard for us modern, removed-from-nature Americans, is that when two animals are connected by the large iron or wood PLANK, they have to be going in the SAME DIRECTION. My friend A has been talking about being "evenly yoked" a lot lately.

I love talking to my girls A and N; I have really smart, cool friends. I actually think this is why they are still single. My best girls are atheletic, can talk sports, but still be the prettiest and most feminine creatures in a room. Honestly, I think about my friends often, "If I were a guy, I'd be all over that". My friends not only have successful and interesting careers, but they do work that significantly impacts the quality of life in Chicago (and for some of us, our work is spreading across the country). They are grounded, spiritually strong and disciplined, loving, kind, honest, don't sit around gossiping about and hating on other women. It's a solid crew...did I mention, beautiful?

It's hard out here for smart, independent, accomplished women. It's hard to be what A has been referring to as "EVENLY YOKED".

My youth pastors and parents would warn us as teenagers that we should not wind up "unevenly yoked"; their warnings helped me to conjure up extreme images of a woman hosting solemn prayer circles while her drunken husband stammered in, interrupting fighting and swearing.

"Unevenly yoked" doesn't have to be this extreme, even though spiritual and/or religious convictions (or lack of) are included. It can be as simple as career goals, intellect, academic goals, travel personality (this may be a stretch), "phil" or "phob" of kids.

My friends and I have a hard time finding men who share values and life defining experiences. Caveat: OCCASIONALLY, WE MAY MEET A MAN WHO SHARES VALUES AND CONVICTIONS, BUT that chemistry or spark or "thing" just may not be there.

The other day, I made a mental note of the men I've met over the last couple of years. This is what I've come across:

1. The 23 year old ( I took his number while out with co-workers having wings--I was pressured to be 'open' )who asked me, on our first and ONLY date, if I had ever had a one night stand. In his unsophisticated manner, he explained the methods he used to keep from impregnating a woman. I was disgusted...for many reasons...amongst them, how much he complained about his job at Footlocker.

2. The 30 something who sent me a text asking, "What's the contraction for 'is not'"?

3. The "I hate women" 40 something year old...burned by lots of failed relationships

4. The MANY late 30 somethings player activists artists who just have major commitment issues or who only share my values and convictions about education, politics, and community empowerment (the way they've treated a number of women in the city scares me--word gets out.)CAVEAT: ALL LATE 30 SOMETHING ACTIVISTS/ARTISTS AREN'T ALL COMMITMENTPHOBES AND IMMATURE PLAYERS. This shoe should only be worn if it fits.
4b. The late 30 something "nice guy" who can barely have a conversation or formulate a question on a date (too self conscious?)

5. The 25 year old who actually tried to "sweet talk" me and massage my foot on our first and ONLY date to the movies. Apparently, this pschobabble worked on other women. He was quite confident. Gorgeous, confident, awesome body, but tried to play the "Cassanova" role (turn off; just be naturally interesting), and not too much substance. He turned into a mild stalker and would call at late hours.

6. The 50 year old+ men at church with kids my age. Enough said.

7. The 15 year old- boys who think...I don't know what they think, honestly.

You may think, "Well maybe the guy who asked about the contraction for 'is not' is not that bad". I have considered a PhD. For me, that question is a problem...it's not a judgment of him, but in MY CASE, he's not a good fit for me. We'd be "unevenly yoked".

I've heard black and brown fathers, uncles, family friends warn women like me, "You're going to educate yourself out of a husband." Seems they may have been right. Would I trade it all, though? It's hard out here.

αγάπη/AGAPE/Disinterested Love

Disinterested love. The adjective "disinterested" sounds a little like "apathetic", "lathargic", "passive". The adjective, as it is used, however, is anything but these things. Disinterested love is defined as follow, by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in his Strength to Love:

For Dr. King, the heart of the gospel of Jesus Christ was agape αγάπη, disinterested love, and it was infused with a necessary love for one's fellow man. Agape, "unconditional love" is identified by King as "understanding and creative, redemptive goodwill for all men. An overwhelming love which seeks nothing in return, agape is the love of God operating in the human breast. When Jesus bids us to love our enemies, he is speaking of agape. Only by following this way, and responding with this type of love, are we able to be the children of our Father who is in heaven." [from Strength to Love]

Disinterested love is a love that is not extended to another because he/she merits that love. In fact, the person to whom love is extended may not "DESERVE" the love at all--the one to whom love is extended may be incredibly selfish, hateful, vengeful, jealous, mean spirited, etc. Disinterested love is not extended in order to receive anything back. I have often heard of romantic love described as transactions: "If you give me this, I'll give you that. If you rub my feet, I'll rub your back. If you stop brining home a paycheck, I'm outta here" Perhaps romantic love is like this because it requries RELATIONSHIP. LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP are two very, very different things.

AGAGE, or Disinterested love, can happen even when there is no relationship. I have chosen to love a couple of people with whom I just cannot have a relationship. The level of mutual and reciprocal respect, care, concern, and investment is not there. Agape is the highest, purest form of love because one can truly care for the greatest spiritual, emotional, personal development of another without having a relationship. It is the love of God. It is pure. It is rare. It would spare us many of the wars and violence we see across the globe. It would make our communities more peaceful. It would help us to forgive those who hurt us.