Eat, Pray, Love for the less privileged

I have this title and entry in mind. It's something about how things, though they may seem ugly and crippling, work through to a glorious end--just like for Julia Roberts in the movie. You know? The one in which she plays the successful journalist who escapes to another continent and rides her pain away on the backs of elephants?

Hmm. I think about my friends. Ha! We aint riding no elephants any time soon! I know a couple of them who are in foreclosure. A few who are trying to figure out how to pay school loans and rent or a mortgage while not making enough or having too many furlough days. Yeah, I'm still driving my 97 Subaru, so yeah, we're not privileged in the same way...but doesn't mean the principles can't work.

I want to write, but I am blocked. I am blocked by complication, blocked by pain, blocked by anger. I am laying on my chaise (Fanny's favorite) at 3:30 in the morning. It's pouring rain, which is soothing to me--distant sirens remind me of city life I've always known. I'm curled up under a furry blanket, listening to Chico (my pug) snore--at least one of us is sleeping well tonight. I've been up for hours now. Good girlfriends were over, and we watched a "chick flick", which ended well for the love story. But though the protagonists had a beautiful ending, we all felt a little sick and sad.

We all wonder if someone will really love us like that--love us through the ugly days, love us through pain, keep our secrets, even be there through illness. I think we were all accutely aware of how much we HAVEN'T been loved by some of the men who have been in our lives.

Is a beautiful ending really in store for us? Will things really work out for us? Fear is crushing my heart right now, and my eyes are welling with tears...just welling though, not sobbing. This is good. I hide my tears from my dog like my mom tried to hide her tears from me--like this dog is a child. But dogs are so intuitive and sensitive to us. He'd wake up and come put his paw on me and breathe his smelly breath on me and sneeze in my face. Just don't need that right now.

Life is complicated, and to be a good one, it certainly does not have to be characterized by the presence of romantic love or a husband, wife, partner...whatever they're calling it these days (though MOST people would define a happy life as one with a partner). A full life is something like that which was portrayed in the book and movie (you know the Eat, Pray one). A full life is openness to belly laughs, learning from all kinds of people, being free of the emotional pain and drama of broken relationships (reconciling and making your "wrongs, rights"--this takes a lot of courage and a lot of humility), feeling loved and accepted, enjoying a cup of coffee or glass of wine with your mom and grandmother, loving your career, being connected to your community--the young and old, purposeful living.

I thought I was blocked, but writing in these wee hours, with wet eyes, is giving me some liberty and consolation. Sometimes, we look up and we don't have the life we wanted. My friends were over today are all in our 30s and CHILDLESS. Maybe you don't have the children you thought you would. Hell, maybe you have the children you thought you didn't want (woops!!! and maybe with the "wrong" person! woops!!), but in the end, what if we were all grateful for each day--whether we don't have babies or a parnter, or,have "baby mommas", "baby daddies". What if we didn't dwell on our broken promises, broken hearts, broken relationships, but INTENTIONALLY LEARNED FROM THEM, instead of running and avoiding, make ammends and move forward with new conviction to live life every day as if Jesus himself was depending upon you to make that Kingdom come--of love and justice--in our personal lives, communal lives, with our sons, daughters, those who have graciously and generously given and accepted our love.

What if we just started anew today...to eat, pray, and love. What if we savored, thought, pondered more? What if we stopped numbing ourselves with entertainment and other ways to "escape" reality? What if we started hoping and believing for the impossible in all areas of life? I know. I know. This is so hard because at the end of the day (haha..sound like my guy K), we still have responsibilities that keep us up at night and suck our energy. What if we found "Eat, Pray, Love" accountability partners? People who encouraged us to live for liberation and laughter and full, courageous, intentional lives...

Move on like a UHaul--the most painful thing.

Today, I am re-picturing a beautiful late summer afternoon at 31st street beach. N and I were talking about heartache and brokenness as we speed walked on the pavement just passed the Field House and toward the monument for fallen firemen.

I told her that part of me was afraid to STOP HURTING. I have only loved one person, and that person damaged my heart. Well, I've only loved one person who had the courage to tell me he loved me back and actually made a move on it. I loved someone else who played an interesting "c'mon, guess that I like you" game with me (Nothing came of that). I told her that the pain I felt almost suspended his memory and kept part of him with me. When I asked if something about that was weird and dysfunctional, she told me that she was actually reading a book in which the psychologist described the phenomenon of "nursing and guarding the pain" as a mechanism to still hold onto the person who has left your life or betrayed you or abused you, etc.

I understand why a person wants to cling to that last bit of pain now. When it vanishes, that person is gone. You think about them less. You don't wonder what he or she is doing. You don't care who they spend their time with. YOu don't wonder who they hug or see movies with or share dinners with. They seep out of your frontal lobe and amygdala very slowly and gradually, and then suddenly, "Poof! They're gone".

I never thought I'd see that day of fully "moving on". Partially, because I don't believe in "moving on". I will NEVER embrace our culture of "loving and leaving", rampant and careless coupling and uncoupling, divorcing because...well, just because. This doesn't mean that these things won't ever happen to me. Two of my favorite people have been divorced within the last few years--two of the most loyal and beautiful people you'd ever meet. They also rebel against this culture of casual coupling. They are commitmentphiles, but things happen to people that are beyond their control.

Back to my main point, "moving on". It's so sad. It leaves you wondering, "Then, what was that? What did I really feel? What did we really have?" Or maybe "moving on" is just amazing DIVINE GRACE to be open and ready for someone who wants to mutually and reciprically love.

To my sistergirls who are in that process of "moving on"--hold on, be ready, it'll come, you'll heal, and then you'll wonder how that person who didn't value your heart ever had your heart.

It ain't just hard out here for pimps

This is a picture of two bueyes connected by a yoke. I didn't fully understand the verse, "Don't be unevenly yoked" until I saw this image in Costa Rica. The idea, hard for us modern, removed-from-nature Americans, is that when two animals are connected by the large iron or wood PLANK, they have to be going in the SAME DIRECTION. My friend A has been talking about being "evenly yoked" a lot lately.

I love talking to my girls A and N; I have really smart, cool friends. I actually think this is why they are still single. My best girls are atheletic, can talk sports, but still be the prettiest and most feminine creatures in a room. Honestly, I think about my friends often, "If I were a guy, I'd be all over that". My friends not only have successful and interesting careers, but they do work that significantly impacts the quality of life in Chicago (and for some of us, our work is spreading across the country). They are grounded, spiritually strong and disciplined, loving, kind, honest, don't sit around gossiping about and hating on other women. It's a solid crew...did I mention, beautiful?

It's hard out here for smart, independent, accomplished women. It's hard to be what A has been referring to as "EVENLY YOKED".

My youth pastors and parents would warn us as teenagers that we should not wind up "unevenly yoked"; their warnings helped me to conjure up extreme images of a woman hosting solemn prayer circles while her drunken husband stammered in, interrupting fighting and swearing.

"Unevenly yoked" doesn't have to be this extreme, even though spiritual and/or religious convictions (or lack of) are included. It can be as simple as career goals, intellect, academic goals, travel personality (this may be a stretch), "phil" or "phob" of kids.

My friends and I have a hard time finding men who share values and life defining experiences. Caveat: OCCASIONALLY, WE MAY MEET A MAN WHO SHARES VALUES AND CONVICTIONS, BUT that chemistry or spark or "thing" just may not be there.

The other day, I made a mental note of the men I've met over the last couple of years. This is what I've come across:

1. The 23 year old ( I took his number while out with co-workers having wings--I was pressured to be 'open' )who asked me, on our first and ONLY date, if I had ever had a one night stand. In his unsophisticated manner, he explained the methods he used to keep from impregnating a woman. I was disgusted...for many reasons...amongst them, how much he complained about his job at Footlocker.

2. The 30 something who sent me a text asking, "What's the contraction for 'is not'"?

3. The "I hate women" 40 something year old...burned by lots of failed relationships

4. The MANY late 30 somethings player activists artists who just have major commitment issues or who only share my values and convictions about education, politics, and community empowerment (the way they've treated a number of women in the city scares me--word gets out.)CAVEAT: ALL LATE 30 SOMETHING ACTIVISTS/ARTISTS AREN'T ALL COMMITMENTPHOBES AND IMMATURE PLAYERS. This shoe should only be worn if it fits.
4b. The late 30 something "nice guy" who can barely have a conversation or formulate a question on a date (too self conscious?)

5. The 25 year old who actually tried to "sweet talk" me and massage my foot on our first and ONLY date to the movies. Apparently, this pschobabble worked on other women. He was quite confident. Gorgeous, confident, awesome body, but tried to play the "Cassanova" role (turn off; just be naturally interesting), and not too much substance. He turned into a mild stalker and would call at late hours.

6. The 50 year old+ men at church with kids my age. Enough said.

7. The 15 year old- boys who think...I don't know what they think, honestly.

You may think, "Well maybe the guy who asked about the contraction for 'is not' is not that bad". I have considered a PhD. For me, that question is a problem...it's not a judgment of him, but in MY CASE, he's not a good fit for me. We'd be "unevenly yoked".

I've heard black and brown fathers, uncles, family friends warn women like me, "You're going to educate yourself out of a husband." Seems they may have been right. Would I trade it all, though? It's hard out here.

αγάπη/AGAPE/Disinterested Love

Disinterested love. The adjective "disinterested" sounds a little like "apathetic", "lathargic", "passive". The adjective, as it is used, however, is anything but these things. Disinterested love is defined as follow, by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in his Strength to Love:

For Dr. King, the heart of the gospel of Jesus Christ was agape αγάπη, disinterested love, and it was infused with a necessary love for one's fellow man. Agape, "unconditional love" is identified by King as "understanding and creative, redemptive goodwill for all men. An overwhelming love which seeks nothing in return, agape is the love of God operating in the human breast. When Jesus bids us to love our enemies, he is speaking of agape. Only by following this way, and responding with this type of love, are we able to be the children of our Father who is in heaven." [from Strength to Love]

Disinterested love is a love that is not extended to another because he/she merits that love. In fact, the person to whom love is extended may not "DESERVE" the love at all--the one to whom love is extended may be incredibly selfish, hateful, vengeful, jealous, mean spirited, etc. Disinterested love is not extended in order to receive anything back. I have often heard of romantic love described as transactions: "If you give me this, I'll give you that. If you rub my feet, I'll rub your back. If you stop brining home a paycheck, I'm outta here" Perhaps romantic love is like this because it requries RELATIONSHIP. LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP are two very, very different things.

AGAGE, or Disinterested love, can happen even when there is no relationship. I have chosen to love a couple of people with whom I just cannot have a relationship. The level of mutual and reciprocal respect, care, concern, and investment is not there. Agape is the highest, purest form of love because one can truly care for the greatest spiritual, emotional, personal development of another without having a relationship. It is the love of God. It is pure. It is rare. It would spare us many of the wars and violence we see across the globe. It would make our communities more peaceful. It would help us to forgive those who hurt us.

Restorative Justice in personal relationships

This is the Spirit of Detroit. I grew up seeing it whenever my grandparents would take me downtown. I love this statue; it's the most glorious and meaninful of those I've ever seen--perhaps because my loyalty to Detroit is deep; perhaps because it stirs nostalgia.

The Spirit of Detroit represents Justice. We all want justice unless we are the violators of it. If someone steals something from us, "We want justice!" If a public official abuses his/her position, "We want justice!" We see the pursuit of justice on every level in our social organization--from the courthouse to the schoolhouse (in Chicago, we even have a school called SOCIAL JUSTICE). Some schools, in response to the School to Prison Pipeline, have adopted "restorative justice" practices to respond to students who violate others and/or relationships within a school community.

The principle behind restorative justice is as follows: The only way to pay back the "debt" (physical, emotional, mental violation of another) and "re-balance the scales of justice" is to "right the wrong" through retribution. The idea is not necessarily "eye for eye", but rather the admission of guilt and an act of humility that will restore the one who was hurt by the violation. The only way to re-balance the scales is to attempt to restore that which was taken from another.

In our school, and others that practice this type of restorative justice, perhaps the fitting act of penance for a student who steals another student's ipod would be to 1) admit to the crime, 2) return it, and 3) extend a public apology to the entire community, which was disrupted by the act of stealing. I would think that most of us would agree this is an appropriate (minimally) response to a student stealing,right? In fact, would it be possible for these students to be friends without resolving the violation? I think not.

In the same way, when there is violation in personal relationship, whether friendship or a romantic relationship, we must "right the wrong" if we ever think that any level of friendship is within reach.

I was talking with two different women this weekend about CRAZY things their exes did. One's ex BLEW HER CAR UP (LITERALLY!). Another's ex took things from her--things upon which she relied upon for livelihood. The latter friend and I have talked often about how FRIENSHIP with an ex who does insulting, disrespectful, cruel, and selfish things is not attainable UNTIL and UNLESS that person fesses up to the wrong, is real about what he/she did, and then makes it right. Lots of people try to just gloss and skim over things they do wrong to another. They avoid. They run from conversation. They are emotionally violent through IGNORING that the other person still exists. WHy would we expect anything less than "restorative justice" in a romantic relationship, family relationship, or close friendship?

Some expect that "time will heal all" with respect to violations they commit against others to whom they were once close. Time does not heal; confession, restoration, and forgiveness heals. Time just allows us to bury things and temporarily forget or construct compartments in our minds to help us ignore nawing feelings.

I was once told by someone who hurt me: "Just be a grown up. You gotta deal with that on your own". The person didn't want to "hear me out" for whatever reason. I have extended forgivness to that person, but a restored relationship is not possible until there is transparent and hard conversation. The friend whose ex stold very valuable possessions won't be able to just pop back into her life after a little time. NO! He has to admit wrong, even restore what was taken financially, and ask forgiveness. Sure, she's gone through her own stages of healing, but not until the other party extends retribution, that relationship cannot be restored. Forgivess doesn't require both parties. Relationship does.

"Casual" Gets Old--Literally

The conversation started with my brilliant, anthropologically bent buddy and ended with A over another whole red snapper on Love Day. My friend and I were talking about love and commitment and the lackluster lure of "casual". He told me about an article he found in the Onion: "Casual Sex Only Rewarding for First Few Decades". For you readers who don't know what the Onion is, it's news satire at its wittiest.

Casual Sex and/or dating. Gets old after awhile?

What is the fate of serial daters who resist commitment into middle age (or close to it)? It depends. Disclaimer: This is all anecdotal. No experimental design or research conducted here. Some wind up with a "baby momma" (or "baby daddy") or two or three and then just have such complicated lives from balancing so many angry women (or deadbeat dads or good men who are trying to start other families) that he's too exhausted to have a relationship that goes into committed love. (Please note: There is a difference between "baby momma/daddy" and "mother/father of my child". There are some highly evolved individuals who are able to be cooperative and cordial--I just happen to see a lot more of the other variety).Others somehow have a change of desire or orientation, want a serious relationship, but then find that they're "optioned" to frustration, cynnical, or that lots of people who they find intellectuallly and socially compatible are already taken (young co-eds are frustrating--I know from experience. I've been approached by men 10 years my junior and could barely stomach ONE DATE). Another group finds themselves in the abyss of the middle agers who look middle aged and who are no longer sexually attractive enough to be as successful in casual dating and sex. Protruding bellies, receding hairlines, atrophying muscles, yellowing toenails just make it hard to be a winner at a nightclub.

Yesterday, I woke up from a groggy nap to watch a few minutes of one of those Prime time adult cartoons--maybe Family Guy? The episode's comedy was rooted in the tragic life of one of those single "forty somethings" who let good women get away from him and then spent his days in dingy "wife beaters" stained with wing sauce, watching tv, drinking beer, and occasionally lamenting lost loves.

Though the character's bachelor misery was exaggerated for comedy's sake, I can see how that can be a bachelor's fate. What is casual dating based on? Hot, fun, detached sex or socializing. People who casually date aren't looking to shower another with support, time, a listening ear, investment. So if casual dating and sex is all about physical beauty or short term interesting exchanges, it makes sense that when a person no longer offers a young face and body or enegy to party late and long, he/she falls off the market.

Additionally, I still hold firm that healthy humans want to be known fully, yet loved. We are generally afraid of letting another see the fullness of our humanity--how broken, imperfect, "stank" we are. Yet, we still want to find "SOMEBODY" (see Depeche Mode's link below...my friend reminded me of this song yesterday). A casual date is not going to hold you and just love on you when you lose a friend or family member. A casual date won't let you cry to him/her. A casual date might judge you if your house or car's a mess or if your outfit just doesn't quite work. Most of us generally won't even ask a casual date for a ride to O'Hare. We get tired of casual dating by our middle years. It's just too exhausting, and we want the security that is characterized by sitting in holey socks and sweats on the couch on a lazy Saturday morning. But the comfort of sitting in holey socks with bed head takes effort to reach.

Am I saying that single people older than 30 will wind up with big bellies with food stained t-shirts, become lonely animal hoarders, or miserable? Absolutley not. In fact, if I don't marry, I think I will be a ridiculously cool single person--running half marathons, maybe cool locs, ageless, strong, rock musician, a good aunt,sister, daughter, friend (but definitely not spreading myself thin in casual dating). It seems, though, that those who do single well at middle aged don't trifle in casual flings but rather invest themselves in family, career, and good friends to keep growing personally.

Seems that the older we get, the more "casual" gets "old".

Thin Line Between Love and Hate, Part II

Do you ever wonder, as I do (but I do, GENERALLY, think too much), how people can be be "IN LOVE"enough to agree to vows and marriage on some bright, happy day, and then, somehow, end up in bitter divorce, name calling, and tragically, in some cases, homicide?

How is it that a man can murder the woman who he once loved? How is it that a man can spit on a man whom she once kissed with those same lips? How does this happen? These are not rhetorical questions. I really think about this a lot. How does love end up in hate?

I don't have a lot of experience in this. I TRIED to have a boyfriend my senior year in high school; but Mom and Dad shut that down quick. I once snuck out to be with him, and of course, Jr. Holy Spirit (aka, "Mom") somehow found out. I was terrified the whole drive home. She tried to be slick and asked if I needed a "morning after pill"--she just wanted to know if I had done "it" and was trying to use some mind bending momma manipulation on me. Everything calmed down when I, in my terror, quickly blurted out that we were only up talking all night. While we didn't have curfews and weren't on tight leashes at all (my parents rarely asked where I was going because they trusted me so much), dating was frowned upon. Mom would say we had too much to do as adults (AND AS AN ADULT NOW, WITH LOTS OF RESPONSIBILITIES AND LIFE TO LIVE, I FULLY AGREE. WHY DO TEENS DATE!?!?!?) and that "dating" for 17 and 18 year olds was pointless since we couldn't really do anything but EXPERIMENT.

So, we had lots of male friends and we were encouraged to spend time with them in the presence of our parents, other teens, or those boys' families. I didn't date at all in college. I know weird. Well, no, I take that back...I TRIED to date a couple of guys, but apparently, I was "too nice" (both tried to come back when they were ready to marry, but I was "done" by then). I dated one friend in my adult years--it didn't work for reasons I do not wish to discuss in this venue. Sure, I've had countless dinners, business meetings, coffee dates, an evening out, etc with men, but multiple "I'm so in love but now I'm not" encounters to understand how this goes...not so much. So, how does it work? What happens that turns intense fiery red hot love into fiery red passionate HATRED? I do know a couple of people who don't hate exes--but there also didn't seem to be mutual love. In the cases that I've seen where there isn't hatred, one or both parties were just being casual. I do know people who have been mutually in love and are friends, or at least cordial (like Uncle B says, holding onto unforgiveness is just too much negative energy).

So what is it that turns love into hate (sometimes murderous)? Disappointment? A feeling of being abandoned? Used? What is it? Resentment because of a feeling of being trapped?