Celebrating the Small Things

Bobby and I biking the Milwaukee waterfront. Phew. Sleep training is NOT FUN. Solomon: 2, Mommy:1. He's slightly ahead, but I'm gaining on him. This entry is not about sleep training and schedules, but it's kind of consuming my life right now. I've actually been trying to document what I'm considering "victories" in this new and challenging phase of my life. As a new mom, it's easy to feel like I'm doing nothing but being an Oberweis cow--just a milk supplier. Additionally, I'm a new wife;I got pregnant 3 weeks into my first year of marriage. We don't even have time to argue about dishes! Though these new developments are blessings, they've been a shock to a woman who was single and doing her own thing until age 36. In one year's time, I became a wife and a mother, and my days of backpacking alone through Mexico feel like a distant memory (though I used to dream of backpacking with a baby tied to my chest--hopefully, we'll be back on the travel scene soon). During the first two weeks of Solo's life outside of the womb, I was documenting things like "I took a shower and did my hair!" I've had to adjust my expectations a lot about what "productivity" is and looks like. I thought I'd get a lot done this summer because "newborns sleep all day". What I failed to realize is that they sleep on you! I've found myself to be really frustrated, feeling like I'm not "accomplishing" anything. What I'm coming to realize is that my greatest accomplishment since May 1st will be fully and unconditionally loving my son Solomon. However, the purpose of my writing today is to celebrate that which I've been able to do since May 1st. 1) I survived breastfeeding and my child is still exclusively breastfed (after working with 2 lactation consultant and very special lactation specialist--thanks, Shelly!) 2) We beat thrush! 3) We made it to my cousin Miranda's wedding in Detroit when Solo was only 4 weeks old 4) We did an overnight without Solomon for our one year anniversary! We did our favorite thing--riding Amtrak--to Milwaukee for the Summerfest, stayed in a vintage suite, cycled the Lake and parts of the city, had great coffee, and heavily caloric food! Apparently, an "overnighter" is quite a feat. We learned from some friends that they haven't had a night alone since the first child (years for some folks!) Admittedly, it was hard. I teared up expressing my breastmilk into the sink 5) I'm biking and running again 6) We attended Silver Room's Block Party--our meeting anniversary spot 7) I see friends weekly for exercise, talking, advice, laughter 8) I cook dinner almost every night! 9) Bobby and I still have a pretty regular date night!Sushi! (Thanks Pastor Ted and Shelly!) 10)Coaching the boys from my block in our community basketball league 11)Hosted 4th of July family gathering; "heart to heart" with my brother Doug was a highlight of my summer 12) Bobby and I building a bookcase 13) Worked on hopefully my last leg of work for National Board Certification--took a crazy Chemistry exam 3 weeks postpartum 14) Alternatives to Violence trainer training! 3 weekends! I'm celebrating evidence that though my life has a different focus, I'm working to keep my own identity as a woman with interests, as a wife, friend, daughter/sister/niece/cousin/granddaughter. Really important stuff. The advice veteran married couples give over and over is "Keep a date night!" We plan on it!

Rice or no rice? That is the question.

Chico is under the dining room bench snoring. Bobby is passed out in the bed. Solomon, wrapped like a mummy in his SwaddleMe (one of our favorite products, by the way), is catching up on all of the sleep that he lost from 10pm until 4:30 this morning. YAY, for me! Yup, I've been up since 4:30 to get all of the things done that I can't do while my very alert and precocious 12 week old is awake. I've always been an early riser and have never had a problem with sacrificing sleep to reach a goal. Goals these days have drastically changed. Brush teeth. Go to the bathroom. Put on clothes. It's that bad. Having a baby is as the cliche says: Truly life transforming and it's wonderful, but I was not prepared for how seriously challenging it is to change ALL of my priorities and expectations. Knowing her overly ambitious daughter, my mom warned me, but no words could prepare for this. Another--and more lofty goal--is to keep up with my blogging. I love writing, but it's really challenging to maintain as a teacher, and now as a new mom. Perhaps it comes down to discipline, and maybe sacrificing another 20-30 minutes of sleep to get my words on the screen. I'm particularly interested in documenting my son's amazing growth and having a way to keep memory of the dozens of thoughts and observations I have a day. More about his growth later. The purpose of this blog was to air out a debate for which the score is: Mother-in-law, 1. Tiffany, 0 (ZERO, GOOSE EGG, NADA). The debate is about rice cereal. Every time I see my mother in law--and this is no exaggeration--she says I need to give "that baby a bottle" and that "he doesn't seem to get enough from the breast" and that I "need to add rice cereal." After the last few nights, I'm starting to feel weak like SWV...like I need to give in...throw in the rice. Solomon was an awesome sleeper for a few weeks, so much so, that he work up dehydrated twice during our Chicago heat spell. He slept through night feedings, and that proved too much for his little body. The good sleep, however, came to an abrupt ending about 2 nights ago. He's been up asking for a feeding every hour and a half between 11pm and 5am. Hence, why I've washed and cut my hair, fed the dog, pumped 4 oz of milk, prepared 3 bottles, swept, and stored tupperware all since 4:30am. (and I've also been texting my FAVE 5 girlfriends, roping them into the rice cereal debate. They're pretty awesome, smart, and well read, and I like to bounce things off of them--they're great mommies, too). My mother in law, mother, grandmother, and a host of other black mommas who have raised STRAPPING, STRONG, BIG, HEALTHY men all swear by rice cereal. However, research seems to point to allergies and obesity down the line. I'm tired of not sleeping, which leads me to feelings of desperation and confusion, so I'm not sure who to listen too. Do I listen to the elders, with great anecdotal evidence that has never been subject to peer review, or to the "professionals" who have studied journals and published? I want the best for Solomon, as my mother in law, mother, grandmothers wanted for all of their children (26 amongst the four of them!). At this time, I'm just going to double up on the feedings and keep reading and try to listen more carefully to my mother's intuition.

"Baby" Doesn't Have to Mean Family Fiscal Cliff

Well, fellow US tax paying citizens, we came close to the edge, but averted the fiscal cliff. I think about money a lot, but it's been all the more on the forefront of my mind as I watched doomsday updates about the right staying right and left staying left. My thoughts about money: Am I being a good steward of it? How can I save more? Make more? Give more? Invest more? Grow it? Pay my momma's house off? Live in Mexico with Bobby for a summer? Let your friends tell it, the expanding of a family through babies is a good way to answer the preceding questions with, "You can't, you won't, barely, hardly, never." I hear babies cost a lot of money, though we always seemed to have plenty at 2465 and 2493 (my grandparents homes in Detroit). There was always food, always laughter and fun, lots of pets (Sparky, Midnight, Midnight, and Midnight--my father named all of his dogs Midnight). My maternal grandparents had 6 children. My paternal grandparents had 13. My grandfather threw the best parties. I remember big blocks of ice from the local icehouse chilling glass bottles of pop (Town and Country??).My parents raised 4 of us and we always had generous Christmases, braces for our teeth, music lessons, instruments. I guess this is precisely where the money went. The kids were the investment. While I want our child/ren to have good things, I don't want to blow our budget. My goal is to be a savvy mom who is still able to do savvy things with money. So, I'm on a quest to do this baby thing on a shoestring budget, utilizing Grannyeconomics--maybe not going as far to make all of my own soap and sewing all of our baby's clothes-- but I want to know the secret of how my foremothers did so much with so little. I started the quest seriously this morning at 2:30am. What generally happens is Bobby's artistic brain really gets cranking at 11pm, starts slowing down at 2:30, and then he wakes me up to debrief! Huh!? I couldn't go back to sleep after this morning's debrief and got to thinking of how we had to make some serious adjustments for our new addition who is due to come in less than 16 weeks. So, I made accounts with both Craigslist and FreeCycle. Within hours, I scored the co-sleeper we wanted for 1/3 of the cost. Instead of buying new storage furniture, our friend, Jen, the proprietor of Simplify (contact me if you want her services), came up with a plan to install closet systems and underbed storage drawers facilitated by bed lifts. I've started my costs analysis: cost per diaper per brand, disposable vs. cloth, etc. I'm scouring online consignment and finding that there's a lot of good gently used stuff out there...still can't bring myself to buy a used breast pump. Something seems terribly wrong with that idea. A big goal is the convenience of modernity, yet simplicity, and I'm asking as many dads and moms: What stuff was essential and what was just colorful, plastic clutter? What do you do or plan to do to save time, money, and space? What's your best money saving tip for new parents?

Almost 6 months pregnant with sister Brooke and goddaughter, Hope

No Pitocin Please

It's 4am. Bobby and Chico are snoring in tandem. I burst into a loud sob. Bobby wakes, cool as a cucumber (as usual) and asks, "Baby, what's wrong?" Sobbing more loudly, "I just saw Ricky Lake's baby born in water! AAAAAA!!! Look at him!" Bobby turns toward the t.v. (we slept on the futon again) and says, "Eww. That thing looks like a worm. Baby, be careful with what you're watching." He turns back toward me and falls asleep gently touching my arm. Yes, the sight of Ricky Lake's flopped over breasts and remaining distressed naked body in a bathtub--as she gives natural birth--has made me lose it all. Yes, I'm watching "The Business of Being Born", and yes, I'm back to blogging. I've had a few friends request that I return to what I probably love most--writing (though, it's hard to maintain since 1) I don't make a living by it and 2) I have the most inflexible career in the U.S.--K-12 public education). Why am I watching "The Business of Being Born" at 3:30 am on a school day? Welp. I'm up with pregnancy gas, and I went to bed at 7pm--my now normal prenatal bed time. Yup, I slipped it in. Bobby and I are having a baby? Who's Bobby? Oh yeah, he's new to the picture too since "30 Dates in 30 Days". I have a lot of catching up and documenting to do. I'll talk more about Bobby later. The presently needed facts: He's my husband and Baby Daddy and an awesome human being and general Renaissance man. I'll get to how I have a husband and expecting a baby--all in less than 2 years--some time later. I'll say for now: I want a natural birth. Please remind me of this later. I had dinner with my dearest friend, her father, and sister last night. Everyone needs a girlfriend like G. She has been my 2nd best caretaker after Bobby. She feeds me delicious soups and other meals 2-3 times a week and is so excited about our coming baby. Her sister--over caldo de pollo--told me about PITOCIN (evil! Okay, maybe i'm being dramatic)last night and "The Business of Being Born". So I woke up early this morning to watch it on Netflix. I'm only 15 weeks, but I am taking the time to educate myself and praying for a healthy pregnancy and the ability to give a natural birth.

Everything in its season...no, seriously, MOVE, now!

"Indeed if a seed is not allowed to germinate (sprout) within some certain length of time, the embryo inside will die. Each species of seed has a certain length of viability. Many temperate zone species that use inhibitors use abscisic acid. This chemical induces dormancy in the embryo. The chemical is produced in abundance in the late summer and early fall. The seeds in the fruits become dormant so, even if they are dispersed in autumn, they cannot sprout. During the winter enzymes in the seeds degrade the abscisic acid. By spring the abscisic acid is gone and the seed can sprout." Ross Koning (random botanist sounding guy)

I'm betting the above information is just not that interesting to a good portion of the population--plant enthusiasts, old ladies with big sun hats, green cloth gloves, and plastic knock off CROCS, and ecclectic, science types (me, smile) might be included in the small group of people who care about when a seed can turn into a scrawny green buds.

Something otherworldly happens to me in my garden. I get these spiritual and mental epiphanies while I'm working the soil and tending plants. I'll be in complete solitude and silence and clear life lessons and mini sermons will come to my mind. In the most recent experience, I was frustrated by the small yield of my jalapeno plant. I decided I would just up and plant more seeds...but then it occurred to me, "THE SEASON HAS PASSED. THE WINDOW FOR REAL GERMINATION HAS CLOSED." And then the revelation came...we have seasons for a reason. I felt so compelled to value YOUTH--the spring of life. I started to think about how so many young men are wasting their seed germination time getting high, on corners, estranged from elders who would otherwise be teaching them skills, GERMINATING AND CULTIVATING the multitude of skills that would later be demanded of them to lead their own businesses, endeavors, families, children. I thought about young women losing time chasing love, studying videos on how to become sex vixens, losing valuable time with elders who would otherwise be teaching them skills, GERMINATING AND CULTIVATING the mulitude of skills that would later be demanded of them to lead their own businesses, endeavors, families, children. Because the reality is this: ONCE YOU HIT THE SUMMER AND FALL OF LIFE, THINGS ARE BUSIER, MORE COMPLICATED, AND THERE'S JUST NOT THE SAME TIME TO GERMINATE. The summer and fall of life are the times when we should be EXPLODING WITH DELICIOUS FRUIT of our labor! We should be creating, expanding, providing, developing....but if the germination time was lost and ruined, what will we cultivate when harvest time comes?

The same is true of love. There are windows.

This is not to say that if we blow our "spring" or we are ROBBED of our "spring" (due to the negligence, abandonment, abuse of the adults who are our caretakers--biological, spiritual, political), all is lost, whoa is us! I am one who believes that TIME CAN BE REDEEMED!!! Yes, Laawwwwd...but the redemption has to be swift and very intentional and decided. No more time can be wasted.

So, if you are in the spring of your life, get all you can. Love all you can. If you are in the summer and fall, produce all you can, or go back and quickly redeem that which was lost.

Independence (from bitterness) Day! aka ODE TO THE EXES

This year, my full birth date is 111111. Yup, I was born on November 11th, which means, according to the old horoscope calendar, I'm a Scorpio. Scorpios are described as having powerful personalities, being sexually alluring, successful, and YUP, VENGEFUL AND GRUDGE HOLDING. I'm not one who governs my life by horoscopes; I think character trumps it. I mean, it would really be horrible to be internally "scripted" to be vengeful and grudge holding. Or maybe it was Mom's drilling: "Jesus said, 'If you do not forgive your brother, your Heavently Father will not forgive you' "As human beings, we are so unbelievably complicated and emotionally motivated, and as a result, SO SUSCEPTIBLE TO PAIN AND EMOTIONAL HURT. People will hurt you; it's inevitable. Even the healthiest, most loving, most selfless people in your life will hurt you at least by omission.

So, no, I don't hold grudges. I am sensitive and feel deeply, love hard, and love loyally. So, I've been hurt and disappointed. I've been thinking about bitterness a lot--there are all kinds of books coming out for women--perhaps in response to our cultural norms of dating, marriage, and divorce. One book was subtitled, "Because bitterness is not sexy". It's true. Bitterness exudes from a person's face pores. You just can't hide bitterness. It makes you age, it makes you less attractive, and it's a repellant to love. People who could potentially love you are pushed away by bitterness.

I'm not glib about emotional pain caused by others. I'm not casual about relationships beginning and ending, and I don't shrug at the loss of a relationship. I work REALLY hard to maintain relationships and never to lose any, but inspite of efforts, there have been a couple of people with whom I have not been able to maintain the same level of closeness that we shared before.

I bought a fashion magazine the other day (hey, I'm on vacation!), and I read something that Eva Longoria said in an article. It's hard to miss tabloid news as it's shoved down our throats; so if you remember her situation, her husband cheated, and consequently, they were divorced. This was her second divorce, and she's only 35. She said, and I'm paraphrasing, "You learn not to be bitter. You learn to celebrate what you learned and the love you had."

I still think our society is not as honest as we should be about the damage of divorce or rampant dating and "breaking up", but I did appreciate the heart of her comment. Instead of focusing on how a person hurt you, failed you, disappointed you, why not cherish what you learned and shared in the relationship. Now, I'm not saying we absolve where there should be no absolution, or that we should not have boundaries for people who disrespect us or damage us emotionally, nor that we should just "forgive and forget" (which is physiologically impossible by the way). In some cases, we do have to really just cut people out of our lives because they are toxic. But even with those people, there is something to celebrate. Some way we've grown. Some way we see differently. Some way the experience prepared us for the wonderful man we meet and marry. The woman who makes you want to forget all of the others...

So, let this entry be the public ODE TO THE EXES (ex friends, ex boyfriends/girlfrieds, ex spouses)--a PUBLIC JOURNAL TO CELEBRATE HOW WE'VE GROWN FROM "EXES". How did you grow or learn from your lost relationship? What skills did you gain? What new things did you discover?

"Little" things keeping us from love (of self and others)

I'm laying in Granny's bed with a half dozen posts in my head. This one in particular is cause of my 2.5 month blogging hiatus. The idea seems complicated to translate to others. This idea--more of a HUGE UNIVERSAL TRUTH (at least in my head)--has taken about two decades to take shape,and honestly it's more like a theory that I want to subject to a scientific peer review. That's how much conviction I have about it.

It's the idea that choices and exposures, whether passive or aggressive, that we shrug off as "insignificant" or as "not a big deals", actually have the power to change our character and quality of life and potential to fully and freely love--to love platonically, romantically, and in every other way. I intitially have examined choices or exposures that could be seen as negative (premature, inappropriate, harmful, etc), and their impact upon our dispositions. I think about a number of my own students who I met as freshmen. That group of students who had started their rookie year as bright eyed, curious, respectful, happy, engaged, were suddenly, and for the time being, permanently, sullen, rude (or nasty), "bored with school", incorrigible with parents and other adults. This was not the normal hormonal temporary episodes of teenage melodrama or a shift in personality due to TITANIC losses such as death of a family member or homelessness or victimization of violence. When I would inquire about these subtle and gradual changes, other students or family members would say things like, "Oh, he started hanging with 'so and so'" or "She's sleeping with 'so and so' who's also sleeping with her ex best friend". This high school gossip took me clearly back to my junior or senior year in high school. I remember a boy telling me, "You smile too much. You need to have sex."

WHOA. Smiling = happiness and innocence to him. So, he was telling me to have sex to "numb" that innocence out of me? Scary.

This entry is not about sex. It does, however, make me think of choices, when in the wrong context, and wrong time, and when just the "WRONG CHOICE", can really rob our souls of authentic happiness, innocence, and goodness--can numb us. In the example above, sex is often seen as a "little" thing to teens that is not a big deal as long as condoms are involved. But in actuality, it's often a decision, when made through pressure or coersion and without counsel and discussion with elders, that numbs and hardens young people (and adults too--let's keep it real).

Sex at the wrong time and with the wrong person/people is not the only soul spotter. Insatiable desires for power, money, envy, bigotry, jealousy--in forms that can be easily shrugged off as "little" or "insignificant" also damage us and our ability to love others. You ever know someone who just couldn't stand you? Hated you? But if asked why, they couldn't articulate why, or created some bogus reason that made you want to just stick a pacifier in his mouth? He/she allowed a little bigotry or jealousy or envy or unforgiveness in--an "inocuous" amount--that tainted their treatment of you. But what we don't realize is that when we allow for those negative things to be in us, we begin to radiate negative energy (as hardness, callousness, mean spiritedness) even when we don't intention to!

Any time we are used or use others for power, sex, recreation, money, control, influence, etc, our souls become more spotted, and sometimes, we become less human.

Old cantankerous people don't get that way overnight. As my sister was reminding my niece today, children start as innocent and radiating love and faith, but the grime of the world begins to stick on our hearts. Some things happen to us, and we have no control over those things. We, do, however, have control over how we respond. The "little" things that we tolerate have huge dividends in our souls--when those "little" compromises or poor choices are not addressed, they take a toll on our ability to love ourselves, others, and God.