This is a picture of two bueyes connected by a yoke. I didn't fully understand the verse, "Don't be unevenly yoked" until I saw this image in Costa Rica. The idea, hard for us modern, removed-from-nature Americans, is that when two animals are connected by the large iron or wood PLANK, they have to be going in the SAME DIRECTION. My friend A has been talking about being "evenly yoked" a lot lately.
I love talking to my girls A and N; I have really smart, cool friends. I actually think this is why they are still single. My best girls are atheletic, can talk sports, but still be the prettiest and most feminine creatures in a room. Honestly, I think about my friends often, "If I were a guy, I'd be all over that". My friends not only have successful and interesting careers, but they do work that significantly impacts the quality of life in Chicago (and for some of us, our work is spreading across the country). They are grounded, spiritually strong and disciplined, loving, kind, honest, don't sit around gossiping about and hating on other women. It's a solid crew...did I mention, beautiful?
It's hard out here for smart, independent, accomplished women. It's hard to be what A has been referring to as "EVENLY YOKED".
My youth pastors and parents would warn us as teenagers that we should not wind up "unevenly yoked"; their warnings helped me to conjure up extreme images of a woman hosting solemn prayer circles while her drunken husband stammered in, interrupting fighting and swearing.
"Unevenly yoked" doesn't have to be this extreme, even though spiritual and/or religious convictions (or lack of) are included. It can be as simple as career goals, intellect, academic goals, travel personality (this may be a stretch), "phil" or "phob" of kids.
My friends and I have a hard time finding men who share values and life defining experiences. Caveat: OCCASIONALLY, WE MAY MEET A MAN WHO SHARES VALUES AND CONVICTIONS, BUT that chemistry or spark or "thing" just may not be there.
The other day, I made a mental note of the men I've met over the last couple of years. This is what I've come across:
1. The 23 year old ( I took his number while out with co-workers having wings--I was pressured to be 'open' )who asked me, on our first and ONLY date, if I had ever had a one night stand. In his unsophisticated manner, he explained the methods he used to keep from impregnating a woman. I was disgusted...for many reasons...amongst them, how much he complained about his job at Footlocker.
2. The 30 something who sent me a text asking, "What's the contraction for 'is not'"?
3. The "I hate women" 40 something year old...burned by lots of failed relationships
4. The MANY late 30 somethings player activists artists who just have major commitment issues or who only share my values and convictions about education, politics, and community empowerment (the way they've treated a number of women in the city scares me--word gets out.)CAVEAT: ALL LATE 30 SOMETHING ACTIVISTS/ARTISTS AREN'T ALL COMMITMENTPHOBES AND IMMATURE PLAYERS. This shoe should only be worn if it fits.
4b. The late 30 something "nice guy" who can barely have a conversation or formulate a question on a date (too self conscious?)
5. The 25 year old who actually tried to "sweet talk" me and massage my foot on our first and ONLY date to the movies. Apparently, this pschobabble worked on other women. He was quite confident. Gorgeous, confident, awesome body, but tried to play the "Cassanova" role (turn off; just be naturally interesting), and not too much substance. He turned into a mild stalker and would call at late hours.
6. The 50 year old+ men at church with kids my age. Enough said.
7. The 15 year old- boys who think...I don't know what they think, honestly.
You may think, "Well maybe the guy who asked about the contraction for 'is not' is not that bad". I have considered a PhD. For me, that question is a problem...it's not a judgment of him, but in MY CASE, he's not a good fit for me. We'd be "unevenly yoked".
I've heard black and brown fathers, uncles, family friends warn women like me, "You're going to educate yourself out of a husband." Seems they may have been right. Would I trade it all, though? It's hard out here.
Girl! I just sat down last night with one of my teenagers who was contemplating having sex with her 20yr old boyfriend and thought.."Lord, im trying not to be mad my teenager got the option to "get some" and be in a relationship and I'm still 34 and single!...I'm really trying not to be mad!" So this is where i landed...I know too many unhappy married, on the verge of divorce, or choosing to stay in it even though their miserable people. So in the end, other than envying my teenager for having somebody to "get some" from(which if the truth be told I could find that any day of the week..if that's all i really wanted)...I'm not that unhappy being single...So why lower my standers to be unequally yoked so to speak and end up really miserable with the option to "get some" but not want it because I can't stand looking at him! I dunno...this could all change tomorrow but today....
ReplyDeletei love you.
ReplyDeletePoet of Grace...I OVERSTAND you. Hard stuff. I think our lack of commitment, misery in marriage, misery in any commitment (look at Justin Timberlake--he never marries--just dates people for 3-4 years until he feels "miserable") is a reflection of our deeper spiritual, emotional, and mental underdevelopment. We are a culture of quick, microwave, "entertain me, entertain me, entertain me", not a culture of love. Love is work and sacrifice. Ask any good teacher, any good father, any good mother, any good activist, any good pastor, any good volunteer--their lives are not about "entertain me", but sacrificial love. What if we REORIENTED our affections? How would our love relationships look?
ReplyDelete"...reflection of our deeper spiritual, emotional, and mental underdevelopment..." You telling the truth on this one...yet even as we seek to develope deeper spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, I often still sense the whispering shadow of something more...the need to be fully seen and known by flesh and blood and not just a Holy God I love and adore...What do we do with the human sides of us that from time to time need to be loved on and paid attention too...I'm not even implying that it has to be a romantic need that should be met to make those whispers go away...but often we apply it to that because who else is going to love you that hard, that faithfully, and be that intuned with your needs if not your significant other? The answer to that question i think is where we've fallen short as THE BODY of Christ and what that really means...If we were really loving each other like we were apart of our own body...would that whisper be so loud! Would I long to give away my singleness so readily to just anyone if i didn't feel so alone?
ReplyDeletelots of people feel lonely--religious affiliations and the non religiously affiliated...a larger culture issue. A friend was just telling me that McDonald's in New York delivers...we don't even have to leave our homes any more...for anything.
ReplyDelete