This year, my full birth date is 111111. Yup, I was born on November 11th, which means, according to the old horoscope calendar, I'm a Scorpio. Scorpios are described as having powerful personalities, being sexually alluring, successful, and YUP, VENGEFUL AND GRUDGE HOLDING. I'm not one who governs my life by horoscopes; I think character trumps it. I mean, it would really be horrible to be internally "scripted" to be vengeful and grudge holding. Or maybe it was Mom's drilling: "Jesus said, 'If you do not forgive your brother, your Heavently Father will not forgive you' "As human beings, we are so unbelievably complicated and emotionally motivated, and as a result, SO SUSCEPTIBLE TO PAIN AND EMOTIONAL HURT. People will hurt you; it's inevitable. Even the healthiest, most loving, most selfless people in your life will hurt you at least by omission.
So, no, I don't hold grudges. I am sensitive and feel deeply, love hard, and love loyally. So, I've been hurt and disappointed. I've been thinking about bitterness a lot--there are all kinds of books coming out for women--perhaps in response to our cultural norms of dating, marriage, and divorce. One book was subtitled, "Because bitterness is not sexy". It's true. Bitterness exudes from a person's face pores. You just can't hide bitterness. It makes you age, it makes you less attractive, and it's a repellant to love. People who could potentially love you are pushed away by bitterness.
I'm not glib about emotional pain caused by others. I'm not casual about relationships beginning and ending, and I don't shrug at the loss of a relationship. I work REALLY hard to maintain relationships and never to lose any, but inspite of efforts, there have been a couple of people with whom I have not been able to maintain the same level of closeness that we shared before.
I bought a fashion magazine the other day (hey, I'm on vacation!), and I read something that Eva Longoria said in an article. It's hard to miss tabloid news as it's shoved down our throats; so if you remember her situation, her husband cheated, and consequently, they were divorced. This was her second divorce, and she's only 35. She said, and I'm paraphrasing, "You learn not to be bitter. You learn to celebrate what you learned and the love you had."
I still think our society is not as honest as we should be about the damage of divorce or rampant dating and "breaking up", but I did appreciate the heart of her comment. Instead of focusing on how a person hurt you, failed you, disappointed you, why not cherish what you learned and shared in the relationship. Now, I'm not saying we absolve where there should be no absolution, or that we should not have boundaries for people who disrespect us or damage us emotionally, nor that we should just "forgive and forget" (which is physiologically impossible by the way). In some cases, we do have to really just cut people out of our lives because they are toxic. But even with those people, there is something to celebrate. Some way we've grown. Some way we see differently. Some way the experience prepared us for the wonderful man we meet and marry. The woman who makes you want to forget all of the others...
So, let this entry be the public ODE TO THE EXES (ex friends, ex boyfriends/girlfrieds, ex spouses)--a PUBLIC JOURNAL TO CELEBRATE HOW WE'VE GROWN FROM "EXES". How did you grow or learn from your lost relationship? What skills did you gain? What new things did you discover?
I bought the same magazine! I felt a little angry at Tony Parker for cheating on her. I wanted to see their potential Blackxican babies.
ReplyDeleteI LOVED everything you said. And I think we are very alike. I LOVE hard, I love DEEPLY and LOYALLY. My biggest lesson is that I can't control others. All I can do is my best and send them good energy. I have been sad to see friends go especially when I was not told why or made aware of a problem. (SO STRANGE) But bitterness does make you ugly (inside and out) and I had to learn the hard way not to become bitter. You can feel the transformation as it takes hold of you.
ReplyDeleteBiggest lesson learned its not just Ex's that leave a bitter taste. Sometimes you have to keep on loving those closest to you and adapt yourself. When I made the change (in attitude - in perspective) it made all the difference in the world. Being jaded - Bitter ......not a way to truly live. Ya just gotta pick yourself up and keep on truckin'!
i think you are dancing with and digging into the most beautiful thing, which is forgiveness. It is deep! forgiving others is forgiving self, freeing. i have learned from my old relations that no one is right all the time. there are times when i thought myself in a more righteous position, and in retrospect, found that it was mostly my ego, or some self-concept getting in the way of greater love. On the other side, when i feel wronged, in order to make room for love in my live, i have had to spread the balm and breath of forgiveness ( and yes, sometimes with big boundaries!). I think it is one thing to forgive people who are not in your life anymore, but I would love to hear from folks about how they forgive people with whom they still have relations (lovers, parents, etc)
ReplyDeleteNazim Hikmet has a beautiful poem I often remember called 'forgive the dream'. He is much more eloquent here:
ll your images of winter
I see against your sky.
I understand the wounds
That have not healed in you.
They exist
Because God and Love
Have yet to become real enough
To allow you to forgive
The dream.
You still listen to an old alley song
That brings your body pain;
Now chain your ears
To His pacing drum and flute.
Fix your eyes upon
The magnificent arch of His brow
That supports
And allows this universe to expand.
Your hands, feet, and heart are wise
And want to know the warmth
Of a Perfect One's circle.
A true saint
Is an earth in eternal spring.
Inside the veins of a petal
On a blooming redbud tree
Are hidden worlds
Where Hafiz sometimes
Resides.
I will spread
A Persian carpet there
Woven with light.
We can drink wine
From a gourd I hollowed
And dried on the roof of my house.
I will bring bread I have kneaded
That contains my own
Divine genes
And cheese from a calf I raised.
My love for your Master is such
You can just lean back
And I will feed you
This truth:
Your wounds of love can only heal
When you can forgive
This dream.
- Hafiz
lovngly, robin