Love Hard, Hard Hurt

Move on.

These two words are easier for some of us to do than for others after a break up (whether it's the end of a casual dating relationship or divorce). Why is it that some people become obsessed with the "whys" of their breakups and seem to drown in despair, while others are able to quickly "move onto the next one"?

I regularly talk with friends who are having a hard time "moving on". I also have a hard time "moving on" (from anything or anyone because my loyalty is deep and fierce. I had a hard time moving on from my "jheri curl", from loving Charles Clingman and Maurcie Johnson--my Detroit childhood sweethearts who I never forgot--). The "moving on" to which I am referring is the letting go of memories of pain and hurt, not necessarily a person. While one may have the strength and clarity to realize that the one who they loved is better off estranged, he/she may still feel the deep pangs of loss and sorrow long after the relationship is over. And I'm not talking about bitterness, hatred and unforgiveness--not at all. I'm talking about being vulnerable to tears, heart ache, and cycles of depression and awareness of loss.

Some suggest the degree of post-break up trauma is gender determined. In his book "Men Don't Heal, We Ho--a Book About the Emotional Instability in Men", author Steven James Dixon argues that in order to avoid the pain of the loss of love, men turn to promiscuity--new lovers help to forget, they distract. I haven't read the book, but I've heard it's hilarious and eye opening as the author tells of how he was transformed from a man who used women to a faithful partner. Through escaping through using women sexually, he was always able to "move on" quickly--he thought he was, but a "mirror dropped down from heaven" (his words) to show that he was only masking a broken heart and soul.

While there may be some gender trends, I must say that I have met a few women (maybe a couple) who go through a myriad of relationships or partners, too, and seemingly, they're fine.

So, if you don't ascribe to the idea that men are able to just move on easier (and some people strongly argue that women are just more emotionally attached then men and are) simply because they are men, what determines how well and how easily one can "move on"?

I want to argue it's the degree to which one loves. I am more and more convinced that those who love deeply and who love well, are also hit much harder when that love abruptly comes to an end. Steven James Dixon wasn't loving women, he was using them for his own sexual gratification. Because he didn't allow his heart to open to a woman in sincere love, he was able to easily "move on".

My uncle says there are two categories of people: "givers" and "takers" (I do see these categories, but perhaps it's an oversimplification--I see people who are either horrible or healthy tensions of the two). Those who give deeply, love deeply, truly invest in another human being seem much more saddened when the object of their affection just walks away from that love. Those who date for fun, excitement, new experiences (all very self satisfying and selfish) are less "other centered". They, perhaps, aren't entering the relationship to give to the point of sarificial love.

Sometimes, a person feels weak and foolish when they don't "move on" emotionally from the loss of love. In recent days, however, I see those who allow themselves to linger in the loss (as long as it doesn't distract them from a general sense of joy and healthiness) as brave and strong. They face the storm. They weather it. They take the pain into their bosoms. They make themselves vulnerable, and love cannot begin unless sincere vulnerability is at the foundation.

So if you hurt deeply after each loss (and you don't run and hide behind more and more casual flings), bless God that your soul is healthy and alive enough to still LOVE! Blessed are those who hurt deeply after losing love...coulda been another Beatitude in Matthew 5.