Inspired enough by my late convo with a brilliant friend of mine over nectar mexicano, and clearly inspired enough to push through this migraine and fatigue from shovelling out of Blizzard 2011, I want to invite us to think through what would keep a postmodern couple together. Disclaimer: The migraine is really shortcircuiting wit. This is going to be quick and to the point.
Seriously. Why would two relatively wealthy (as Americans) individuals, whose distinct, horrifically equally dysfunctional upbrinings, full of the complexities of humanity (present even in the strongest families), AGREE--in fact, VOW, to stay together FOREVER. FOR-EVA'? FOR-eva eva??
Most of us have grandparents who stayed together--even if they couldn't stomach each other to sleep in the same bedroom by the time they had reached their 70s--both were present at holidays, birthdays, family cookouts. I've occasionally heard of divorced grandparents--that just feels weird when I hear those stories. Our grandmothers stayed through infidelity, emotional absenteeism, and many, many CLOTH diapers (my grandmothers had 13 and 6 children respectively). Our grandfathers stayed through hard, long hours at factories, mortgages that seemed to never be caught up, and sheer monotony (they NEVER saw the world as many of us have).
My anthropologically bent friend believes it was sheer social turbulence that kept our forefathers locked in holy matrimony. Simply put, they NEEDED one another. Rent couldn't be paid on one income. Immigration into a new country was too lonely and hard alone (beyond economics). Partnership was viewed as a way to "make it"--a way to stabilize.
Now, we all "single ladies" and "can find another you in a minute". Women can afford to buy their own properties. Men continue to and have many options. We can choose from many different "options" and as soon as we get bored or are just not "feeling it", we can move onto the next. We're marrying later and we're divorcing more frequently. And why would divorce not be the logical solution if you're not getting along, feeling bored with the monogomy (oops, I meant monotony), and especially if you don't NEED the other to "make it" in this country.
Is it true? Did our forefathers stay together out of sheer need? or did something deeper (and more romantic and noble) keep them together? Now that we're financially independent, have all kinds of racial, educational, personality and body type options, do we feel compelled to have shorter relationships that aren't expected to last the long haul? What's the benefit of "forever"? Why "forever"? Pros? Cons? Pros and cons to 1-2 year flinglationships?
Why is it so hard to take Al Green's advice to just "STAY TOGETHER"?
There was a cover article in Time a few months back about a new reality in marriage in the US these days. You need to read it. A few things I took away were 1)very few people need matrimony, but the higher educated you are the more likely you are to get married, which 2)brings up the fact that its almost a societal inequality issue.
ReplyDeleteI just kinda get the feeling from all this that yea, we might not NEED to be together to pay the bills, or raise children, but, everyone needs people in their lives to support them, and nobody's perfect.
Yes, Katie. There's nothing more liberating than someone knowing the worst of you and still loving and accepting you--that has nothing to do with children and bills.
ReplyDeleteI want to say that it's the never ending quest of finding the "one". If we women would find our "perfect" guy, would we want anyone else? My parents have been married for 30 years and there is still a lot of love and support. It's more than just "making it". Theirs has not been an easy or perfect ride, but they made a pact to stay together for us, and that forced them to work things out. I once heard that there is no "one". We can make any man we are with "the one" if we chose to accept them for who they are and take responsibility in making the partnership work (granted they are not losers, which we'd know to dump ASAP). I'm not interested in dating or having flings anymore. As a "modern, educated, worldly conscious, latina" I still dream of the romance and marrying my best friend and growing old together.
ReplyDeleteI often think about this. It seems we're at an interesting generational and societal cross-roads. I've hit the year of my 30th birthday and I find I've hit a collision of emotions. Do I need to get married? Well, I know I want children and I ain't gettin' any younger. I want the idea of marriage: legally-bound commitment (Does that sound crazy? It just felt weird to type.. Do I need this to be committed myself?) Am I with the "right" guy? Well, at this point, I have no idea who my "right" guy is. My current one is intelligent and witty, and for the first time, I feel I've met my match, but I think he could go on living independently for years to come and be ok with that. Am I ok with that? Could I do that? I think I probably could! But I want to provide what my parents provided me..unconditional love, support, exposure to travel and art, mentorship, etc...to offspring of my own. It took me until my early 20s to realize that my parents now 42-year-long marriage has not been an easy road. But I'm almost positive that if I were to ask, they'd both confidently state they wouldn't want it any other way. I must say I agree with Alheli. I am an educated, passionate, and socially conscious woman who dreams of my other half, my partner in crime, the man by my side as I forge on in the pursuit of my own dreams while encouraging and supporting him in his.
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