Saturday, February 5, 2011

Thin Line Between Love and Hate, Part I

Why is it that most people don't talk to their exes? Some people can't even bring themselves to pucker their lips to utter an ex's name. A couple of girlfriends and I joke about how we might just physically jump one of their exes (he hurt all of us when he walked away from their relationship--and we're all just kinda not getting over it as maybe as quickly as Jesus would want us to) :)

"A" opened my eyes to WHY there is such painful separation and distance between "exes". We were sharing a whole, head n' tail n' all red snapper at Havana Libre, fixed in a very intense and deep conversation about LOSS.

You see, loss generally hurts, or at least, disappoints(unless it's unnecessary weight). There are, however, distinctly different losses. There are losses that are natural, and therefore, by nature, easier to accept. Then there are losses that are V I O L A T I N G. Straight up nasty...raw, oozing, bloody, just plain ole' nasty.

The loss of my grandfather was one of those natural losses. My grandfather helped raise me. I have such vivid memories of him being up at 5am drinking his caramel colored coffee while preparing his Sunday sermon. I remember him force feeding me pig ears. I remember his happy songs. I remember him sitting on the porch, whistling nonsensical songs on our Westside Detroit block. When he passed, I was filled with grief, but I was also able to stand proudly at his funeral and talk about him with great strength. THe loss of our wonderful patriarch was painful to all of us, yet is was a natural loss--he lived into his 80s and lived a full life. Understanding that we all must pass that way, his death was a loss did not feel like a defrauding thing.

The loss, however, of a dear friend, husband, wife, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, confidant--not through death but due to his/her lack of desire to stay in your life--is a life shattering loss. I have plenty of friends who are in counseling, been in counseling, and need to go to counseling as the result of this kind of loss. Some people don't ever recover from broken heartedness and think that physical death is the only way to find relief from the shattering loss of unrequited love. As the character Mayah Hayes from Defintely, Maybe asks, "Did you know that 35 people try to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge each year, most because of broken hearts?"

When you invest all of your resources--time, money, education, skills, talent, friendships, career,etc--for the strengthening of another because you are committed in every way to that person, and they don't show appreciation, reciprocity, or even accept that investment, and eventually pull away emotionally, and then physically, the loss of that relationship feels violating (wow. that was a serious run on). Of course, the most evolved of you readers--those who have reached Nirvana (or maybe just in denial) may argue that true love has no expectation. That's another entry. We're talking about those relationships that do require reciprocity. Most of us would not stay in friendships or dating relationships in which we gave extraordinarily and the other person just took, took, and took. Just not reality. Why is this kind of loss violating? Perhaps because there is no death or other uncontrollable force that separates the two? A person willfully walks away, and in doing so, MAY communicate, "I just don't want to be part of your life to see what happens to you. I just don't want to walk alongside you. I just don't want the responsibility of supporting and encouraging you." The loss feels like abandonment, not the natural course of loss that happens through death.

Loss of a relationship through death (unless that death is suicide), is involuntary on the part of the departed. However, when a person who, for a season, claimed they loved you (and maybe even married you because of that love, makes a baby with you, used to bring you Theraflu when you were sick, used to enjoy meals with you, used to dance with you, used to talk to you about your career and life plans, just "ups" and does't care about any of the aforementioned any more, that's VOLUNTARY. And that mess HURTS. VOLUNTARY AND VIOLATING. Some would argue emotionally violent. How did you used to care and now you don't? What does that communicate?

I'm not saying that relationships should not end voluntarily. I'm not saying that at all. I just think that we should dig deeper to explore why certain losses cut us to the core...and maybe try to do it less to people?? maybe?

3 comments:

  1. Tiffany,
    Uncle B here. I'm glad you sought my opinion because I am the living embodiment of 'let's still be friends', if not friends...then civil, depending on the circumstances and the disposition of the other party...sometimes it's best to keep away. I'm not saying it's always been an easy thing..but over the years...I'm glad my attitude has been such that, when the 'dust' clears..perhaps we can still be friends.

    As a divorced father, I initially wanted to remain cordial with my ex, really had no choice in the matter, because of OUR children, innocent casualties of my failed marriage, who became my focal point.

    I can honestly say that I have remained 'friends' with all of my exes..so having children wasn't/isn't a prerequisite. Divorce is a worse loss than death..took me half of the length of my marriage(7/14 yrs) to recover(something I heard during the throes of pain)

    I also recognize that hanging onto anger/pain is not a healthy thing. Some people cringe at the thought,sight of an ex, which is just too much negative energy..for me anyway.
    I have turned down dinner invitations with the ex and new partner because it just seems odd..awkward. This doesn't include weddings/funerals where you may be seated nearby, but it should be some over-arching event. A friend of mine informed me that he and his ex were, ah, let's just say 'physical' at one point after a nasty divorce..not judging..but have heard of such cases..not really sure how to categorize such a reunion though. I'm speaking purely platonic for myself.
    I just recently gave my condolences to my exes' boyfriend over the loss of his mother. It was sincere and genuine. The true test for me is whether or not you wish an ex goodwill or disaster?(lol)Keep in touch.hope all is well...Besee

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  3. wow, thanks, Uncle B for sharing your experience. I agree that there's just way too much energy involved in having negative feelings...thanks for being real about the pain of a failed relationship--I think more of us need to be real and in touch with our brokenness after loss--"divorce worse than death"--I think because it's that "violating" kind of loss. Good hearing from you--btw, I love reading my uncles and aunts' words--we all write similarly.

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